Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

watergate? u mean a dam??

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

me 2 months after i graduated

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever