I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
See..?
.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.