I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.