I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
selfie game
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
are there any atheist mantises?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats