Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

“you recording!?”

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.