I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Dietest Coke
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.