I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
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I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
This was the best day of my life
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick