I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My therapist after every session
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
water it, i dare you
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option