Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*