Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.