i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.