i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
A Monday every week is excessive
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Worst perfume name ever.
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