Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
