Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Hey I worked for it too!
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
describing stardew valley
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back