Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

I want what they have

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me: