I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”