Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.