I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
