I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
WTF IS THAT!
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.