Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

men are simple creatures

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.