Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

buying dead houseplants to save time

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

live, laugh, laundry.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.