Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

My dress code is business-casualty.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings