I’m awake but I object,
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.