I’m awake but I object,
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me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
🙅🏻
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
this will hang in the louvre one day
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them