Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.