Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

The Onion called it…again.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine