I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
these can’t be my only options
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!