I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.