i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.