Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.