“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The “baby” on the left….
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
the saddest jazz hands ever
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000