“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE