“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ