Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.