I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
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TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed