I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
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2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Room with a view.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”