Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

dril cadence

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Always a housemaid, never a house.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive