Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Finally

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.