I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
You Might Also Like
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My plans: 2020:
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Whisper out to librarians!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags