Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.