I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?