I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM