Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.