I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
do what now??
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
That’s no pocket rocket.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
It kinda feels like this rn
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)