Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.