Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”