I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
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Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The pen is writier than the sword.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*