I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
i dont have time for this
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.