I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Okey dokey.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”