Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

This is so me 😂😂

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it