I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be