Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.