I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
You Might Also Like
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?