Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

FRED: right

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.