good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.
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Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
And if I die before I wake I pray a virus my phone to take.
“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.