I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
men, we mow at sunrise.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Wait a second…
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day