@CelticMoonDance

I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.

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@egg_dog

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

@Social_Mime

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

@robin_991

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@DrakeGatsby

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

@steeve_again

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

@seamussaid

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

@TheAlexNevil

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.