I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy