I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
You Might Also Like
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.