I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
sign of the times 🖊
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur