Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.