I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
bears
