I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.