Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.