Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

PARKOUR

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*