@vtg2

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

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@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

@AsYouNotWish

The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.

@robin_991

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

@batkaren

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

@Glove_Monkey

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

@robdelaney

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

@Doug_Exeter

*my wife walks in on me struggling with an optical illusion* its not what it looks like

@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@AnkCoupleTO

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all