I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Monday
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
im all 3
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead