Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Challenge accepted.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.