Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Interior design 👌

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.