Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

This is what makes twitter great

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.