Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Ah..makes sense now

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”