Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.