[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Time heals everything 🙂
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.