Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The three genders

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower