I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
The options really are this bad
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
This billboard speaks to me
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.