Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

I’m an avid indoorsman.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

rebranding

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.